I have always been like this
Recently, I found myself in the comment section of a friend from Crestview, when I noticed a mutual friend had commented on the post. I decided to check this mutual’s profile and saw that he had deleted me as a friend. I was a little surprised, not because we’re particularly close (we aren’t), but because this was a person I used as a bellwether for normie rightwing content for a long time. I’ve never done a friend’s list purge because I value not totally being in an echo chamber and always like to see what people I disagree with are posting about. This guy’s pretty popular back home too, his posts always get traction. So when I saw that he deleted me, I couldn’t help but wonder: what did it? Was it my essay post about the war? A meme I shared? And why now? I haven’t exactly been quiet about politics for the last decade.
I have always been like this.
Less recently, but just as relevant, I was making a Spotify playlist for someone. It was full of EDM songs that made me feel something, and as I was making it, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and listen to Eiffel 65’s album Europop from the 90’s, where the popular song “I’m Blue” caught my ears as a kiddo. I was obsessed with the album, and it wasn’t until I revisited it that I realized that it low-key predicted my entire life. 1) I listen almost exclusively to EDM, 2) my favorite color is still blue, 3) there’s a song called “My Console” where the lyrics are just PlayStation game titles lol, and of course I’m a PlayStation guy, 4) there’s a song called “Silicon World” for the guy living in Silicon Valley… I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is this:
I have always been like this.
I have always been a Sony shooter
I don’t know exactly how old I was, but every time I share this, I estimate that I was about 5 years old when I asked my mom this question: “Where did God come from?”. I love her for her response: “I don’t know”. I think she called me sweetie, too, but I’m not sure. What a way to foster curiosity! I don’t remember my baptism, but I remember being bored on Sunday mornings until my mom gave us permission to stop going to church and Sunday school. I never rejected God though, I just never got satisfactory answers to my big-brained questions. By middle school, I described my conception of God as trying to fit a watermelon into a funnel: too big for any book to contain, or for any human brain to truly comprehend (despite our best efforts). I don’t think I got the language for agnosticism until high school, but it was true for me when I was little.
I have always been like this.
“Mom, where did God come from?” - me in 4 years from this picture, probably
Now, why am I writing this? Well, I’ve been having these thoughts about how I’ve always been like this and wanted to write something about it, but didn’t find a spark until the YouTube algorithm served me up a video about a theory of God that resonated with me, which is a big deal for for my agnosticism. The title piqued my interest: “You are the universe experiencing itself – Spinoza’s God”.
Deus sive Natura. God or Nature. A father of modern pantheism, philosopher Baruch Spinoza says they are one in the same. Spinoza’s God is the single, infinite, and uncreated substance of the universe, synonymous with nature itself. Everything, everywhere, all at once, always and forever. Quite the watermelon. I like this theory for many reasons, but the reason it resonated with me is because of my experience with mania and psychosis. I often joke that mania feels like the Hand Of God touched your brain, and now with this theory, I have a God that I can reference that feels true to the experience. I’ll never forget how I felt with my most recent manic episode (before going to the hospital): synchronicity, universal dialectical balance, a hivemind-like connectedness, among other things. I felt the everything, everywhere, all at once, for a limited time, and it was blissful (until it wasn’t).
“But Paul, you haven’t always been bipolar. Checkmate, agnostic”.
That’s where you’re wrong, bucko. The Diathesis-Stress Model of mental health says that people are born with predispositions to certain ailments that only manifest under enough environmental stress.
“So what?”
SO, Spinoza was a determinist, meaning he posited that there’s no free will and there’s always a cause for an effect by necessity.
I have always been like this.
My initial reaction is to reject the notion that there’s no free will, but the more I think about it, I might be okay with it. I don’t think I’ve subscribed to the maximalist, libertarian version of 100% free will for a while, simply because I know how much work the brain does that we aren’t consciously aware of. As far as I’ve gathered though, compatibilism is compatible with Spinoza. Yay choices! Yay gray areas!
Anyway, there’s more to learn about this theory and other theories of God, but thanks to this one, I have a new appreciation for the universe and my place within it. Thanks for reading!
Same Paul, different Sony camera
